AboutFACE Newsletter Archives FACE New Jersey Home Page

Disappearing Fathers and How FACE's Dad's House Can Stop Them

by Jeff Golden , January 2000

As we do each quarter, in December, 1999 we mailed out 2,200 copies of About FACE. About 1,700 of them go to noncustodial parents and their families; the rest go to legislators, judges and other public policy-makers. Within three weeks, fifty-one of them were returned to us by the U.S. Postal Service. Some had new addresses, but twenty-two of them were undeliverable. They were marked "Moved, Left No Address" or "P.O. Box Closed - No Forwarding Order," and we expect to get back about twenty more like them.
Having worked with divorced and disenfranchised parents, FACE has learned they are very mobile. Sometimes about ten percent of our mailing list has address changes in a single quarter. For some, the new address is Mom's house or another relative. Some have forwarding addresses to a Post Office box. These are frequently the disenfranchised fathers not fortunate enough to have family or friends who can offer them a sofa to sleep on, and are now living in their cars. Currently, about ten percent of our contacts have P.O. Box addresses.
But our real concern is the two percent-or-so who just disappear each quarter. Where did they go? Have uncaring judges kicked them out of their own homes? Have the pressures of impossible support orders and being deadbolted out of their children's lives made them just run away? Are they in homeless shelters somewhere? Are they in jail? These are hard working people who once paid mortgages and supported families. Are they now scraping out a living in the underground economy? How can driving their fathers away be, as judges so often say, "in the best interest of the child?"
Adequate shelter is paramount to survival. We all know about the publicly funded women's shelters that will welcome any woman and her children if she comes to them with a sad story about being abused, or if she just says "I'm afraid," or even only if says she has nowhere else to go. They will provide food, shelter, information on applying for welfare benefits, health care and free legal services.
But where can a displaced husband go? The only similar services for men are homeless shelters -- dangerous dormitory-style accommodations, populated by former mental patients, drunks, drug addicts and criminals. You have to sleep with your shoes under your pillow and your money in your shorts to prevent them from being stolen, and you risk being attacked or murdered in your sleep. Instead of providing a warm, home-like setting during the day, homeless shelter residents are forced to clear out at 7:00 AM, regardless of the weather, and told to go look for work. This is not appropriate housing for someone trying to recover from the stress of family dissolution, and get back on his feet and on with his life.
One of FACE's long-term goals is to establish Dad's House -- a shelter for displaced fathers, with or without their children. Some men, under New Jersey's laws, are victims of acts defined as "domestic violence," but very few recognize this, and existing abuse shelters provide no services for men. Some are denied parenting time with their children because they don't have adequate accommodations for them. Some have been falsely accused of domestic abuse or substance abuse by their ex-spouses in an effort to prevent them from getting custody of their children, and are now required to have "supervised" parenting time (visitation).

The Dad's House we envision would provide services for all of these fathers. We would provide temporary living accommodations for displaced men. Some units would be single sleeping rooms; some would be multi-room suites for fathers with children. The common area would be warm and home-like, with a kitchen for preparing meals. Fathers and their children could enjoy their parenting time together there under the supervision of FACE staff, who would also provide parenting classes, substance abuse counseling, and care for children while Dad works or goes to school.
What would it take to make Dad's House a reality? First, we need a building. Ideally, it should be a large enough to accommodate our plans, in a centrally located residential area, and near one of the courthouses. Next, we will need to remodel the building for our proposed use and to meet building codes. Much of this work could be done by FACE. Our members include carpenters, electricians, plumbers, drywall mechanics, roofers, engineers, project managers, and all the other trades necessary, and, as a nonprofit organization, we could get materials and services donated, or at substantial discounts. And last, we would need to train volunteers to staff Dad's House, teach classes and provide counseling.
You can help. Do you know anyone who owns an appropriate building and would donate use of it to a nonprofit organization? Do you know of an appropriately located publicly owned building? Tell us about it. Does your employer fund similar social service projects, including women's shelters? Tell us about it, and who in the company to contact. Are you experienced at writing grant applications? Let us know about it.
But this doesn't address the needs of the "disappearing fathers" on our mailing list who need services NOW. If you are one of them, let us know about that, too. FACE has assisted members in securing affordable housing by referring them to local social service agencies. Don't disappear. You don't need to run away. If you are experiencing a housing emergency, talk to FACE.