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Vision for FACE

David J. Cantera, Jr., September 2000

As our children grow, babies become toddlers, toddlers become youngsters, youngsters become adolescents, and so life goes on. As with every aspect of life, things change. So it comes as no surprise that, at some point, even FACE will change. The time is upon us. Our past president, Michael Fox, has retired. For almost a decade he and co-founder, Jeff Golden, lead the battle of fathers who were thrown out of their homes to regain the respect and the dignity of fatherhood. Their most important battle was to regain their children.

While it is thought that dad’s groups such as FACE are disgruntled, misdirected family court litigants, that is far from the truth. The membership is composed of fathers, second wives, grandparents, and even mothers abused by the legal system. It is not only a gender bias issue any more. Some of the most active supports of FACE are grandparents who watched their children’s family’s start, grow, and then to be decimated by irate spouses abusing the legal system and the children.

The most common thread of FACE membership is that of being ejected from the home or from the children’s lives by false allegations of domestic violence, false allegations of child abuse, or other forms of parental alienation imposed by the ‘custodial parent’. Relegated to a visitor, the ejected parent had no where to turn, no house to live in, their family ripped apart. No one can understand the hurt and anguish a parent goes through except another parent dealing with the same issues. MADD, St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital, and countless other organizations were formed in the same manor when adults are dealt with such a severe blow to their families and there is no where to turn but to others experiencing the same dilemmas.

In a past life, where woman burned their bras, FACE members demonstrated at family court or judges houses. Our past president, Michael Fox, put it very well; "it is coming to an new era. FACE has accomplished it’s goal, in part, and must now change it’s focus." Mike is exactly right. Times change, methods change, people change. Everything changes with time and so must FACE change. The most important message here is that people learn as time progresses. FACE must move into a new era, an era where education, mentoring, and fathering are more the focus.

The tide has turned and fathers and fatherhood are now again being recognized as important aspects of life. In more than fourteen states and more to follow, dad’s groups have achieved legislation in which the "presumption of shared parenting" is now the law. Why have we achieved this? National Center for State Courts reports that juvenile crime is up 59% in the ten year period 1984-1994. Divorce cases are up 65% in the same period. Teen pregnancies up dramatically. These are only a few of the many facts which society will have to deal with as a result of ejecting the father’s from the home. This legislation indicates that society recognizes the importance of fathers and fatherhood. Society is changing as it always has and always will. Our task now is to keep the pendulum from shifting back too far and ejecting mothers from the home.

The roots of the current problem stem from a long history of seemingly minor social shifts. The shift from agriculture to industrialization, for example, was the first event that moved dad out of the home. This required women to be almost solely responsible for the children. This eventually led to the women’s movements which then lead to the usurping of the women’s movement by male bashing feminazi and the likes of N.O.W. Well that era has changed. They have now ejected enough fathers from the home to form a formidable army against them. They have ejected enough fathers from the home to allow those ejected fathers to show other fathers still at home how to eject mothers from the home. And so the cycle comes full circle and that is how you know that the cycle is destructive.

Men all over the world want to replace that viscous cycle and the false image of fathers, promoted by domestic violence child abuse advocates, with the real image of fatherhood. Society wants that image changed. Society has finally found the result of creating millions of single parent homes. Our children are growing up, learning to become victims themselves of the dysfunctional nature of a single parent home. Some homes are better off with a single parent, but that is so far from the normal divorce situation that society need not the altered view of fathers that is prevalent today.

Our children are growing up with only a half the view of the world, and the half they do pick up is a misguided other half from an angry or overwhelmed parent. This is not what we want for our children. It is no wonder the juvenile crime rates grow steadily. Family court was fueling the effort for over thirty years.

The new era of fatherhood is a stark contrast to the intense male bashing and the removal of males from the homes. It is our challenge today not to let the pendulum swing so far back in retaliation of the current misdirected women’s movement. Children need both parents, both parents need the children, and the children need the parents intact, and not battle weary from litigation. Children need their college funds intact, not paid to lawyers, psychologists, therapists, and the like. They need their college tuition! Parents may divorce each other, but the children do not divorce their parents.

What children do need is two loving parents working together during difficult times, showing the children how, even when life throws you a curve ball as serious as divorce or death, you can overcome the odds and build a new family life with two loving homes. Children live what they learn. For the children to learn how to operate in our society, parents need to show love and the ability to work through tough issues.

This is the new era which FACE must operate in. FACE is quickly moving from a parent-oriented organization to a family-centric organization, while not loosing focus on the idea that the parent molds the child. The parent must be whole to positively effect the child’s view of life. FACE will no longer focus solely on the parent’s needs. FACE will not even be shortsighted and focus on only the children’s needs. FACE will focus on the broader horizon of the family’s needs. It is this vision which I hope to bring to FACE, guiding FACE into the next era where the idea of fatherhood and fathering is to mentor the generation of men and women who were raised in single parent homes and only had a half view of life.

For FACE this means turning our efforts to education. The newly appointed Executive Director is charged with locating a facility which will be able to reach out to families currently involved in high conflict litigation so that we can offer a parenting center separate and apart from the courthouse. A center for drop off and pick up, a center for supervised parenting. The Executive Director will also be directing others to obtain course materials and instructors which bring parenting courses, conflict resolution courses, and other family values back to the forefront of our community. As fathers, we must show by example. Our children will learn from our example.

I look forward to bringing FACE into this new era and ask that any assistance you might be able to provide be done with total abandon. Our children need our help. If you think that it cannot happen to your child, that you are not involved in divorce or you will never get divorced, then think again. Family court, the antics of N.O.W. and the false picture that society has of men as abusers have put millions of children in the high-risk category. Have you looked into the background of your teenager’s friends or potential lovers? Did the girl your son is dating have a father figure? Is she capable of having a relationship with a male? Is she susceptible to teen pregnancy? Is her mother capable of having a relationship with a man? Did the boy your daughter is dating have a father figure? These are all questions we don’t want to ask, but they are becoming more important than the issue of drugs, and our children don’t know the right questions to ask when it comes to relationships and personalities. The most important questions are not realized until after your children are married with two kids and the word divorce comes up. Then its "Too late folks!", as Michael Fox would say.

Society is changing. Our parents were not prepared for what happened. Will you be able to prepare your children? Support FACE and learn about what your children will have to look for in a partner and a mate. To be sure, divorce is every bit as devastating to children as drugs, alcohol, HIV, and school violence. If you cannot support FACE actively with your time, then please support FACE with your generous tax deductible donations. Help us uncover the tools to help you educate yourself and your children on the new generation of issues society will have to deal with. Only you can save your child from the devastation of divorce ... Support FACE; be a PARENT!

David J. Cantera, Jr.

President