From: Subject: DON'T MOVE OUT! How Fathers Become Their Own Worst Enemies Date: Wed, 6 Jan 2010 15:08:59 -0500 MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: multipart/related; type="text/html"; boundary="----=_NextPart_000_0082_01CA8EE2.2CCD8520" X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V6.00.2900.5579 This is a multi-part message in MIME format. ------=_NextPart_000_0082_01CA8EE2.2CCD8520 Content-Type: text/html; charset="utf-8" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Content-Location: http://www.facenj.org/aboutface/00q1/dontmove.html =EF=BB=BF DON'T MOVE OUT! How Fathers Become Their Own Worst = Enemies

AboutFACE=20 Newsletter Archives FACE New Jersey Home = Page

DON'T MOVE OUT! How Fathers Become Their Own Worst = Enemies

by=20 Robert B. Gidding, Esq. , January 2000

I am shocked by the number = of=20 fathers who, when asked by their wives to leave, say "okay," and just = leave.=20 Studies have shown that women ask men to leave the house far more often = than men=20 ask women to leave the house. Fathers often voluntarily abandon their = homes,=20 their possessions, and worst of all, their children. By moving out, they = disadvantage themselves terribly in any custody, alimony, and equitable=20 distribution dispute.
Are fathers just sheep who passively do what = they are=20 told by wives who no longer want them? Why do they do this?
My = experience=20 reveals several reasons:
1. Fathers unnecessarily blame themselves = for the=20 difficulties in the marriage and therefore mistakenly believe they = should be the=20 ones to leave when things get difficult.
2. Fathers sometimes see = themselves=20 and their mates in stereotypical terms: Men are tougher and women = weaker, so=20 they think fathers should leave the house and find temporary shelter = while women=20 should stay in a secure environment.
3. Fathers mistakenly regard the = mother=20 as more essential to the well-being of the children than fathers. They = decide=20 that the children should remain with the mother at the time of = separation.
4.=20 Some fathers are scared off by mothers' threats of domestic = violence.
5.=20 Fathers naively and mistakenly believe the mother when she says "I need = some=20 space. Please leave and we'll work things out. Then you can come = back."
None=20 of these reasons justify a father abandoning his home and children when = asked to=20 do so by his wife, except one: A father should leave only if it is the = only way=20 to avoid bloodshed (i.e., death or serious bodily harm). If the father = thinks he=20 probably will kill or maim his wife, or that the mother will kill or = maim him,=20 then he should leave to preserve life. That is the only=20 reason.
Unfortunately, fathers can be their own worst enemies. Here's = why the=20 above five justifications for leaving are wrong:
1. The death of a=20 relationship or difficulties between two people is rarely, if ever, = caused=20 solely by the fault of one person. Both people should be blamed for a = breakdown=20 in a relationship.
2. Men are not "tougher" than women or vice-versa. = There=20 is no rule of thumb here. Statistics indicate that women live longer = than men,=20 that is clear. The personality characteristics of men and women differ = from=20 person to person. One cannot generalize this point.
3. Fathers are = just as=20 essential as mothers to the welfare and health of children. Countless = books and=20 articles describe how children need strong, nurturing, present fathers = to ensure=20 their healthy psycho-sexual development. One cannot generalize on this = point=20 either.
4. Lots of mothers threaten domestic violence against fathers = or=20 threaten to file false allegations of domestic violence in order to run = them out=20 of the marital home. Indeed, many mothers do actually file false = allegations of=20 domestic violence in the courts. These threats should not compel fathers = to=20 abandon their homes and children when the marriage turns sour.

If = the=20 mother makes these threats, then the father needs to act cautiously and = stay=20 away from the mother while inside the marital home. This may mean = sleeping in=20 different bedrooms or floors of the home, setting meal schedules so that = spouses=20 do not share meals, and generally avoiding each other as much as = possible. It=20 will be difficult, but it can be done. It may put a strain on the = children, but=20 it is far worse for the children to see their father leave with no = guarantees of=20 seeing him regularly.
5. Wives often trick the husband into leaving = by=20 saying, "I need some space. Please leave and we'll work things out, and = then you=20 can come back." In my years of family practice, I can't remember one = case in=20 which the couple reconciled after the separation. I'm sure it happens = once in a=20 while, but it is extremely rare. If the parties really want to work at=20 reconciliation, they can do it while living under the same roof, but in=20 different bedrooms or levels of the house. A wife frequently has no = intention to=20 reconcile, or, she may have the intention at first, but quickly changes = her=20 mind.
Fathers should never leave the marital home and their children = unless=20 the parties have entered into a binding written agreement with respect = to=20 custody and parenting time of the children. This agreement should be = filed in=20 court as a consent order.
By abandoning the marital home, fathers = send a=20 terrible message to the children (especially young ones) that the = children do=20 not matter to them. By leaving, fathers lose practically all their = negotiating=20 leverage when it comes to custody, equitable distribution, and alimony. = For=20 example, once the mother asks the father to leave, he should say, "I'd = be=20 delighted to leave, but I want a binding written separation agreement. I = want=20 that agreement to at least guarantee me adequate parenting time with the = children and impose a reasonable interim support amount. If you are = unwilling to=20 do this, I am not moving out. I suggest that you leave."
By simply = leaving=20 without any custody agreement, fathers put themselves at a terrible = disadvantage=20 later in any custody dispute. Let's suppose dad leaves, gets a new = apartment,=20 and calls the mother asking, "I'd like to see the kids and have them = stay at my=20 place." The mother may be cooperative, but may not. She may try to = obstruct=20 visits by claiming that the kids don't want to see dad overnight, that = dad's new=20 apartment 'isn't good enough," or that the kids are "too busy," etc., = etc.=20 Leaving the kids behind presents the mother with the opportunity to = bad-mouth=20 dad without dad being present to combat that alienation. By moving out = without=20 any agreement, dada put themselves at the mercy of the mother when it = comes to=20 the kids.
Once dad leaves the marital home and the children behind, = and sees=20 the children infrequently or every other weekend, then he probably will = never be=20 able to increase his time later. Judges employ the theory of the "status = quo"=20 and "primary parent." This means that absent some emergency situation, = judges=20 always favor the current parenting schedule and favor the parent who has = the=20 children more time. If time passes and the children visit the father = only every=20 other weekend, then the father will have a difficult or impossible time = trying=20 to increase this time later.
So, don't ever leave. Insist that she = leave if=20 she wants a separation so badly. Hang in there until you and your wife = make a=20 written agreement filed in court that guarantees you the parenting time = you need=20 to sustain a healthy father-child relationship.

Robert B. = Gidding,=20 Esq.
Society Hill Office Park
1874 Route 70 East, Suite = #4
Cherry Hill,=20 NJ 08003
856-424-0700

AboutFACE=20 Newsletter Archives FACE New Jersey Home = Page

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